Uloge
+19
SoJa
snedra
jabo
pudza
Tangerine
Orline
neca73
ciklama
Masha UK
Sara
anak
Struzzo
Maman
HappyGirl
JocY
nina :)
lilymar
missile
Simona
23 posters
Strana 7 od 8
Strana 7 od 8 • 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
Re: Uloge
Uh Struzzo znam... To je film "Maćeha". A taj razgovor isto znam... gledam ga pred svaki Vilenjakov rodjendan naročito i isplačem se... a nekad i ovako... Ima ga na you tube baš taj deo, mada naravno nije taj efekat kad se ne odgleda ceo film... ali pokušaću da nadjem da pogledaju i ostale usvojene mame...
Simona- Broj poruka : 8349
Godina : 55
Location : Beograd
Datum upisa : 14.11.2009
Re: Uloge
gledala sam taj film par puta i uvek se rasplacem videla sam danas da ima na tv ali nisam stigla da ga ogledam
nina :)- Broj poruka : 5182
Godina : 48
Datum upisa : 06.07.2011
Re: Uloge
Caci me podseti ali da ne offtopicarim u Jamajkinom dnevniku...
Da li vi upotrebljavate reči rodjena majka, rodjeni otac???
Ja to baš često koristim a tek kad pročitah post od Caci sam prvi put pomislila da ta reč možda ima veze sa radjanjem, verovatno i ima nego meni to dosad nije palo na pamet... i da samim tim ne bi trebalo mi da je koristimo... A ja je upotrebila hiljadu puta Npr kažem Vilenjaku - rodjenog oca nećeš da poljubiš? Ili tako se ponašaš prema rodjenoj majci i sve tome slično... E sad da li da se trudim da to više ne govorim ili pošto mi je to uzrečica da to pustim tako, možda bi bilo neprirodnije da se svaki put kad krenem "rodje.." presečem i kažem nešto drugo...
Da li vi upotrebljavate reči rodjena majka, rodjeni otac???
Ja to baš često koristim a tek kad pročitah post od Caci sam prvi put pomislila da ta reč možda ima veze sa radjanjem, verovatno i ima nego meni to dosad nije palo na pamet... i da samim tim ne bi trebalo mi da je koristimo... A ja je upotrebila hiljadu puta Npr kažem Vilenjaku - rodjenog oca nećeš da poljubiš? Ili tako se ponašaš prema rodjenoj majci i sve tome slično... E sad da li da se trudim da to više ne govorim ili pošto mi je to uzrečica da to pustim tako, možda bi bilo neprirodnije da se svaki put kad krenem "rodje.." presečem i kažem nešto drugo...
Simona- Broj poruka : 8349
Godina : 55
Location : Beograd
Datum upisa : 14.11.2009
Re: Uloge
Simona ja mislim da u tom kontekstu u kom ti kazes ta rec ne oznacava rodjenje nego bliskost a onda je po meni OK to reci. Suvisno je vagati svaku reci i pridavati znacaj, jezicka preciznost se zahteva samo u Zakonima da ne bi dolazilo do zabune, ali svakodnevni recnik moze sebi dozvoliti neke nepreciznosti...
JocY- Broj poruka : 2090
Godina : 48
Location : Beograd
Datum upisa : 20.01.2010
Re: Uloge
I ja tako mislimJocY ::Simona ja mislim da u tom kontekstu u kom ti kazes ta rec ne oznacava rodjenje nego bliskost
SoJa- Broj poruka : 2029
Godina : 47
Datum upisa : 02.08.2013
Re: Uloge
Moja majka često govori unucima, tj. mojoj deci "mili moji najrođeniji" To čini u trenutku najvećeg mazuljanja. Mom mužu to ume da zasmeta jer njega to asocira na radjanje i pošto moja majka ma biološke unuke od moje sestre, zvuči mu bezveze. Ja znam da ona to govori zato što oseća bliskost prema njima.
Struzzo- Broj poruka : 7041
Godina : 48
Location : Beograd
Datum upisa : 27.09.2008
Re: Uloge
I meni je to bliskost! Čak i muža zovem Rodjeni, a nisam ga rodila! i klincima od brata često tepam rodjeni, rodjena...
BiKsi :)- Broj poruka : 22697
Godina : 43
Datum upisa : 09.05.2010
Re: Uloge
Hvala vam
I ja to "rodjeni" vidim u značenju jako bliskog, stoga nisam dosad to povezala sa radjanjem... Bilo mi je smešno jer se mi često bavimo rečima, i mm i ja a i Vilenjak. On iako mali već ima jako izraženo zapažanje što se tiče toga... Npr još je bio manji kad smo gledali "Meridu" ali me je pitao zašto u filmu kažu da se majka pretvorila 'u medveda' umesto da kažu 'u medvedicu'. I tako u svemu zapazi on neke detalje koje ja ne bih očekivala od tako malog deteta... Ali eto to "rodjena/i" promače i nama i Vilenjaku...
I ja to "rodjeni" vidim u značenju jako bliskog, stoga nisam dosad to povezala sa radjanjem... Bilo mi je smešno jer se mi često bavimo rečima, i mm i ja a i Vilenjak. On iako mali već ima jako izraženo zapažanje što se tiče toga... Npr još je bio manji kad smo gledali "Meridu" ali me je pitao zašto u filmu kažu da se majka pretvorila 'u medveda' umesto da kažu 'u medvedicu'. I tako u svemu zapazi on neke detalje koje ja ne bih očekivala od tako malog deteta... Ali eto to "rodjena/i" promače i nama i Vilenjaku...
Simona- Broj poruka : 8349
Godina : 55
Location : Beograd
Datum upisa : 14.11.2009
Re: Uloge
He, he, Simona, od koga li je to pokupio sa primećivanjem, baš se pitam!
BiKsi :)- Broj poruka : 22697
Godina : 43
Datum upisa : 09.05.2010
Re: Uloge
Biksi,
Verovatno od (rodjene) majke... Mada kako je krenuo u ranim danima ima sve izglede i da me prevazidje
Verovatno od (rodjene) majke... Mada kako je krenuo u ranim danima ima sve izglede i da me prevazidje
Simona- Broj poruka : 8349
Godina : 55
Location : Beograd
Datum upisa : 14.11.2009
Re: Uloge
I meni"rođeni"označava bliskost..,koliko puta smo čuli"rođeni brat,sestra,stric..."To nikako ne znači da smo ih rodili. Šta tek reći za Biksi i njm?
Zato,Simona,nastavi ti po starom,razume tebe Vilenjak sasvim dobro,pametna je on glavica.
Zato,Simona,nastavi ti po starom,razume tebe Vilenjak sasvim dobro,pametna je on glavica.
JAmajka- Broj poruka : 1906
Location : BG
Datum upisa : 25.02.2010
Re: Uloge
Ja kazem "rodjena drugarica nece da proba parce moje gibanice" kad je ova juce bila kod mene. Tako da je to stepen bliskosti, kao sto i moja mama kaze "rodjeni muz, pa te ne razume, a kamo li svekrva"(Al. to uopsteno, ona odavno nema svekrvu).
filipa.panko- Broj poruka : 199
Datum upisa : 07.11.2012
Re: Uloge
Off topic, ali Jamaka tek sad primetih da ti i avataru imas "blizance". Slutilo je... Iako sam i ja od onih koje ne bi da gledaju u "znakove pored puta".
filipa.panko- Broj poruka : 199
Datum upisa : 07.11.2012
Re: Uloge
I to ribice a sinak voli podvodni svet...:)))filipa.panko ::Off topic, ali Jamaka tek sad primetih da ti i avataru imas "blizance". Slutilo je... Iako sam i ja od onih koje ne bi da gledaju u "znakove pored puta".
Struzzo- Broj poruka : 7041
Godina : 48
Location : Beograd
Datum upisa : 27.09.2008
Re: Uloge
he,he...i ja sad primetih.Vas dve:874:Struzzo ::I to ribice a sinak voli podvodni svet...:)))filipa.panko ::Off topic, ali Jamaka tek sad primetih da ti i avataru imas "blizance". Slutilo je... Iako sam i ja od onih koje ne bi da gledaju u "znakove pored puta".
JAmajka- Broj poruka : 1906
Location : BG
Datum upisa : 25.02.2010
Re: Uloge
I ja sam primetila jos kad su vas pozvali na razgovor za blizance da u avataru imas blizanacki znak ribe i to zelenu (muski princip) i ljubicastu (zenski princip), ali rekoh sama sebi, da ne ureknem nesto, bolje da cutim..
Poljupci!
Poljupci!
snedra- Broj poruka : 1927
Godina : 55
Location : Beograd
Datum upisa : 22.05.2012
Re: Uloge
Hvala, hvala... verovatno ću nastaviti sem ukoliko se Vilenjak pobuni ali zasad nije...
I avatari mogu biti jedan od znakova... Ja sam u vreme čekanja pričala o maloj vili i stavila avatar u tom duhu. Kad smo dobili dečaka i pretraživala avatare shvatila sam da sam ja na avataru sve vreme imala vilenjaka a ne vilu.
I avatari mogu biti jedan od znakova... Ja sam u vreme čekanja pričala o maloj vili i stavila avatar u tom duhu. Kad smo dobili dečaka i pretraživala avatare shvatila sam da sam ja na avataru sve vreme imala vilenjaka a ne vilu.
Simona- Broj poruka : 8349
Godina : 55
Location : Beograd
Datum upisa : 14.11.2009
Re: Uloge
Mi smo danas došli do dve bitne stvari bar mislim... Poslednjih dana je Vilenjak bio jako preosetljiv, plačljiv, pa onda besan, prkosan, nezadovoljan što god radimo... Danas ja uhvatim da ga ispitam zašto i otprilike ispliva strah da ćemo ga mi vratiti kod hraniteljice, neverovatno Mnogo puta sam ponovila da je stalno, zauvek kod nas, da će biti i kad odraste i kad budemo stari i sad opet... Ili mu treba potvrda mnogo puta. Ponovim ja opet i onda podivlja večeras, veseo, peva, dere se i tako... ali bolje od one razdražljivosti ovih dana. I sad večeras izvodi neku figuru sa sporta i meni govori kako je to radio kod hraniteljice, dobro kažem ja... a on me pita što reagujem tako. Kako? - Kao da je ******** (ime hraniteljice) glupa Ja kažem da nisam nikad rekla da je hraniteljica glupa niti to mislim (stvarno ne mislim, ja njoj zameram neke druge stvari ali glupost sigurno ne, ona je opasna žena i na svoj način vrlo pametna), takodje da mi je drago ako je dobro pazila na njega. Onda mu rastumačim da ja možda napravim izraz lica jer me nervira što pripisuje stvari koje je sigurno radio ovde da je radio tamo, a to me zaista nervira, to sam pisala... Pa kad već tumači i moje izraze lica nisam imala kud nego da kažem istinu, to je mislim bolje nego da opet misli da tim izrazima ko zna šta govorim. Shvatio je i plastično šta to znači jer je već u sledećem trenutku počeo da priča kako je gledao mornara Popaja kod hraniteljice a taj crtani je prvi put gledao kod nas... Naravno, malo je to dete, ne može verovatno sve da pohvata, možda mu se čini. Mada sam već pisala da meni nije jasno zašto teži da ulepša taj period kod hraniteljice... Ali nebitno za ovu situaciju, samo sam htela da mu ilustrujem da nije da ja imam nešto protiv hraniteljice već protiv toga da Popaj odjednom odavde odskakuće tamo. To sam sve napisala jer me je malo iznenadio, ja sam pazila da nikad ne govorim protiv hraniteljice ali dete tumači i neverbalni govor...
Simona- Broj poruka : 8349
Godina : 55
Location : Beograd
Datum upisa : 14.11.2009
Re: Uloge
Ako se sećate ova tema je krenula tako što je mm meni rekao da ga pustim još malo da uživa u ulozi biološkog oca... E danas sam htela da ga tresnem, moram to da mu saopštim večeras kad Vilenjak zaspi Vilenjaku nešto nije bilo dobro pa smo otišli na privatnu kliniku i pošto lekar sumnja na alergiju ispituje da li je neko u porodici imao alergije, astmu štatijaznam... Da smo išli u dom zdravlja video bi u kartonu da je dete usvojeno a ovako ne vidi. E sad ja kad me to pitaju ne kažem ali kažem ne znam, nisam sigurna kao što i jeste, nešto neodredjeno da lekaru ništa ne govori... Ne govorim ni da ja imam nešto i da nemam jer ionako nema značaja. Ako bih procenila da je opasno, da je taj podatak baš od značaja, rekla bih da je dete usvojeno, ovako preskočim to jer ne znam ni kakva bi reakcija bila lekara a onda i deteta. Obično udjemo Vilenjak i ja ali ovaj put udje i moj muž i zapeo da priča o mojim alergijama, ja ga pogledam popreko, prekinem ništa... nastavlja... opet ga pogledam, a on nastavlja o svojim alergijama, pa o njegovim roditeljima... Lekar posle pominje moje alergije a ja kažem - to nema veze... (mada začudo imamo iste simptome). Mm se se uživeo u ulogu biološkog oca kad vreme nije bilo (mada nikad i nije)! Sreća pa Vilenjaku nije ništa ozbiljno... Odsad tek neće ući sa nama.
Simona- Broj poruka : 8349
Godina : 55
Location : Beograd
Datum upisa : 14.11.2009
Re: Uloge
Iskritikovala sam muža, branio se da to nije bilo pitanje zbog nasledja nego da vidi da li se osnažuje u toku života. Jutros videla da je lekar i u izveštaju napisao - majka imala alergijske reakcije Inače glavna lekarka na toj klinici i sestre znaju da je dete usvojeno ali kaže moj muž neće one ni gledati taj izveštaj... uvek mm ima odgovor!
Inače Vilenjak i ja kako rekoh imamo potpuno iste simptome, ne bismo stvarno više ličili ni da smo biološki majka i sin. Udjemo kod mojih i počnemo da kašljemo, skoro da se gušimo, a to je sigurno zbog biljaka jer moji žive u parku (na prašinu ne može da bude jer je stan moje majke uvek čist koliko se može biti). Onda moja majka tvrdi da ja zapuštam dete, vidim li koliko kašlje a kako i ja samo kašljem i dosad nisam mogla da je ubedim da mi kašljemo samo kad dodjemo kod njih iako sam to primećivala. Ali kaže lekar da je moguće...
Inače Vilenjak i ja kako rekoh imamo potpuno iste simptome, ne bismo stvarno više ličili ni da smo biološki majka i sin. Udjemo kod mojih i počnemo da kašljemo, skoro da se gušimo, a to je sigurno zbog biljaka jer moji žive u parku (na prašinu ne može da bude jer je stan moje majke uvek čist koliko se može biti). Onda moja majka tvrdi da ja zapuštam dete, vidim li koliko kašlje a kako i ja samo kašljem i dosad nisam mogla da je ubedim da mi kašljemo samo kad dodjemo kod njih iako sam to primećivala. Ali kaže lekar da je moguće...
Simona- Broj poruka : 8349
Godina : 55
Location : Beograd
Datum upisa : 14.11.2009
Re: Uloge
Simona ::Ova tema se provlaci kroz nase razgovore ali me je sinocnji razgovor sa muzem inspirisao da otvorim posebnu temu... Taj razgovor cu naknadno napisati a u ovom postu cu samo da postavim pitanja...
Da li sebe vidite kao usvojene roditelje ili ponekad "zaboravite" na to pa se uzivite u "ulogu" bioloskih roditelja? Ako nekad zaboravite - sta je razlog tome? Da li se pridrzavate onoga sto ste ucili u skoli roditeljstva ili ste zakljucili da je praksa nesto drugo? Koju ulogu dajete hraniteljima? Da li cete ostati u kontaktu ili ne? Ako ostajete koliko ce cest taj kontakt biti? Da li se vi i suprug u svojim razmisljanjima razlikujete?
Evo o ovome bih rekla par reči...
Mislim da je nepotrebno toliko opterećivanje na toj liniji biološki roditelj - usvojitelj. Zašto? Šta je i ko b-roditelj u životu vaše dece? Jedan momenat, najčešće. Trenutak rođenja i odlazak. A još važnije: da li vaša deca osećaju ( umeju da osete i prepoznaju ) razliku između vas i b-majke, koja u svesti deteta maltene da ne postoji ili je kao duh? Posebno važi za malu decu. Deca, mada još majka nisam, čini mi se funkcionišu mnogo jednostavnije i neposrednije. Osete ono što je direktno pored njih i uz njih. Ako ga hranite, presvlačite, pričate priče, šetate, igrate se s njim itd. ono u vama vidi majku. Majku kao osobu koja je tu uz njega. Nema u njegovom rečniku b-majka, usvojitelj. To služi nama starijima i vama, administraciji, prosto nekom pedantnom redu da se papirološki zna ko je ko. Ali ništa više od toga. Ne precenjujte značaj b-majke. Nema šta da se zanosite. Ne znam šta su vam pričali u toj školi roditeljstva, cenim da vam je sigurno puno pomogla, ali ne može sve po JUS-u jer je nepotrebno. Ne treba nikakve granice sebi da postavljate. Nije dobro ni za dete ( ako oseti da postoji kočenje u vama, da sami pravite tu biološku razliku ). Jednostavno uživajte i budite to što jeste - majke.
Re: Uloge
Daco,
ovu temu sam otvorila tri meseca nakon dolaska Vilenjaka. Nama je taj period adaptacije bio dosta stresan i teško je bilo tada osećati se kao samo roditelj. Ne toliko zbog biološke majke, priču o njoj smo tek pokrenuli, koliko zbog hranitelja. Dete je skoro svakodnevno spominjalo šta je on tamo radio, kukao da ih čuje, vidi, razne situacije su bile... Oni su se povremeno javljali a onda smo se i vidjali. Tek od pre nekoliko meseci su i Vilenjak i hranitelji izgleda prećutno zaključili da je njihova priča gotova, niti on pominje period kod njih niti se oni javljaju. Socijalni radnici savetuju da je dobro ostati sa hraniteljima u kontaktu, iz ove perspektive nisam baš sigurna da je tako. Ipak zadovoljna sam kako je to išlo kod nas, niti sam sprečavala dete da ih čuje ni da ih vidja, mislim da je to vrlo važno za naš dalji odnos. To što su oni prećutno odlučili izgleda da se više ne vidjaju nema veze sa mnom ni sa mm, to je tok njihovog odnosa. Slično je sa biološkom majkom, ja mu nikad neću reći kako on treba da se oseća u vezi sa njom isto kao što nisam činila sa hraniteljicom. Naš život sada funkcioniše slično kao i u drugim porodicama, u najvećem broju dana ja sam kako i ti kažeš samo majka. Ali i dalje ako pričamo o radjanju ista je situacija - ne osećam se da sam rodila Vilenjaka, jer nisam, mi imamo našu priču i naš susret. On ima svoju biološku majku kojoj sam ja zahvalna što je iznela trudnoću i rodila ga. Jeste to jedno kratko vreme u odnosu na svo vreme koje mi imamo ali ti činovi omogućili su sav ovaj naši dalji život. Ništa mene biološka majka ne koči niti menja neko moje ponašanje. To je samo naša priča, tok kojim je išla... Koji će značaj u budućnosti Vilenjak pridati biološkoj majci kažem ostavljam njemu.
ovu temu sam otvorila tri meseca nakon dolaska Vilenjaka. Nama je taj period adaptacije bio dosta stresan i teško je bilo tada osećati se kao samo roditelj. Ne toliko zbog biološke majke, priču o njoj smo tek pokrenuli, koliko zbog hranitelja. Dete je skoro svakodnevno spominjalo šta je on tamo radio, kukao da ih čuje, vidi, razne situacije su bile... Oni su se povremeno javljali a onda smo se i vidjali. Tek od pre nekoliko meseci su i Vilenjak i hranitelji izgleda prećutno zaključili da je njihova priča gotova, niti on pominje period kod njih niti se oni javljaju. Socijalni radnici savetuju da je dobro ostati sa hraniteljima u kontaktu, iz ove perspektive nisam baš sigurna da je tako. Ipak zadovoljna sam kako je to išlo kod nas, niti sam sprečavala dete da ih čuje ni da ih vidja, mislim da je to vrlo važno za naš dalji odnos. To što su oni prećutno odlučili izgleda da se više ne vidjaju nema veze sa mnom ni sa mm, to je tok njihovog odnosa. Slično je sa biološkom majkom, ja mu nikad neću reći kako on treba da se oseća u vezi sa njom isto kao što nisam činila sa hraniteljicom. Naš život sada funkcioniše slično kao i u drugim porodicama, u najvećem broju dana ja sam kako i ti kažeš samo majka. Ali i dalje ako pričamo o radjanju ista je situacija - ne osećam se da sam rodila Vilenjaka, jer nisam, mi imamo našu priču i naš susret. On ima svoju biološku majku kojoj sam ja zahvalna što je iznela trudnoću i rodila ga. Jeste to jedno kratko vreme u odnosu na svo vreme koje mi imamo ali ti činovi omogućili su sav ovaj naši dalji život. Ništa mene biološka majka ne koči niti menja neko moje ponašanje. To je samo naša priča, tok kojim je išla... Koji će značaj u budućnosti Vilenjak pridati biološkoj majci kažem ostavljam njemu.
Simona- Broj poruka : 8349
Godina : 55
Location : Beograd
Datum upisa : 14.11.2009
Re: Uloge
Razmišljala sam se gde da stavim ovaj tekst pa sam na kraju odlučila na ovu temu jer je vezan za ono što smo ovde uglavnom pričale - postoji li razlika u tome što smo usvojene majke. Naročito mi je zanimljivo jer je autorka članka i usvojena i biološka majka. Šteta što su skoro svi dobri tekstovi, iskustva, na engleskom jeziku. Na našem, jedino mi da počnemo da ih pišemo
What I Know About Motherhood Now That I am an Adoptive Mom
Carrie's picture
By: Carrie Goldman
Jul 09, 2013 11:41 AM
Motherhood is an interesting job; I find that I grow up alongside each child. Now I am the mother of a newborn…now I am the mother of a five-year-old…now I am the mother of a tween…and so on. With each age and phase, the job of motherhood is redefined. The concerns that keep me awake at night, the milestones that loom in my mind – they change and grow and morph. And with each subsequent child, I find myself remembering, oh, so this is how it is to be the parent of a toddler. There are flashes of familiarity, and yet each time, it feels strange and new, because each child brings her own unique traits into the world. I view motherhood from three major viewpoints: I am the parent of an absent child (we lost a baby to a rare kidney disease), the parent of an adopted child, and the parent of two biological children. There is much to say about each role, but today I am writing specifically about what I have learned from being an adoptive mother. An intriguing question, because in many ways, I do not distinguish my daughter who was adopted, from my daughters who were born to me. And yet, in full honesty, there are many ways in which being an adoptive mother is indeed different. Here are my observations:
1). People spend an extraordinary amount of time discussing how children resemble their parents and their siblings. I became hyperaware of this after adopting a child who does not resemble me at all. I think it is a natural thing – the desire to see connections between family members. It certainly is true in the animal kingdom, where the ability to recognize the markings of one’s own pack provides safety, comfort and protection. I grew up all my life hearing, “You look just like a Goldman. Oh, there is no doubt that those are the Goldman girls!” When we adopted K, I thought she was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. Within several weeks, however, I noticed that nobody was content to simply say, “What a lovely baby!” The comments were always followed by a curious glancing over at me, and the question, “Where did she get her blue eyes?” or “Where did she get her blonde hair?” People couldn’t make sense of it—I did not appear to be the mother of this baby—and it didn’t jive with what society knows of family resemblance. But it was okay, because I felt like her mother, and that was what mattered. When K was nearly a year old, we took her for the first time to meet her biological brother and sister, who had recently come out of foster care to be reunited with their birthmother. K looked exactly like them. I snapped photo after photo, careful to save them in albums and frames, so that as K grew older, I could point to those pictures and tell her, “You have people that you resemble too! You have the same eyes as your sister and brother.” As K grew older, I noticed she has her birthmother’s lovely smile, and I tell her. She beams when I say that. I am so glad that I can help K feel connected to her biological family, because one of my biological daughters looks so much like me that it is eerie, and it is frequently noted by friends, family and strangers. I too am guilty of it – sometimes I see a photo of my middle daughter, and I exclaim how much it looks like my old photos. My two younger girls look strikingly similar, and I used to ask friends or family not to comment on it too much in front of K, until I realized that K herself was making comments about it and didn’t seem at all upset! She was okay with it, and my philosophy is to let her be the guide. Maybe she is okay with it because she knows who she looks like? An advantage to an open adoption.
2). An adoptee’s feelings about being adopted may fluctuate greatly, and it helps if the adoptive mother supports the adoptee through the full range of emotions. K goes through different phases. Sometimes, she is quick to volunteer the information that she was adopted. She feels special and unique, and she likes to surprise people with this interesting tidbit about herself. Other times, she loathes the very concept of being adopted and refuses to say one word about it. Immediately before or after one of our annual visits with her birth family, K is unusually anxious or sad, and at these times, she needs me to be very accepting of the roots of these emotions: her undeniable connection to another family. In the past, especially with closed adoptions, experts advised adoptive parents to deny the adoptee’s feelings of Otherness. Now we know that the best way to help a child who feels conflicted or torn is to recognize, acknowledge, and accept her emotions. I hope that K will suffer fewer torn loyalties because she is not burdened with trying to protect me from her feelings of love for her birthmother. I want to connect with K in all of her experiences, even the ones that are hard for me to witness. It isn’t always easy, but it is my firm belief that K will stay truly connected with me if she feels safe expressing her connection to her birthmother. Sometimes she goes weeks without mentioning her birthmother, and sometimes she asked about her every day for three or four days in a row. I try to follow her lead.
3). There are a lot of people who have very strong feelings about adoption, and as an adoptive mother, I have learned to believe in my decisions while remaining open to hearing other perspectives. Largely, as a result of the Internet and social media, I have learned that many people are strongly anti-adoption. This was shocking to me at first, but as I read more and learned more about why some people are anti-adoption, I grew to understand the causes of their emotions. I do not agree with the way in which many of these advocates express their views – there tends to be a great deal of undeserved hate, anger, and cyberbullying directed at adoptive parents, as opposed to productive discussions about ways to improve adoption – but I remain hopeful that there is room for collaboration, instead of contempt, in the future. The reality is that we do live in a digital world, and there is a high likelihood that adoptive parents will eventually encounter hateful speech from those who have unfortunately been hurt. Adoptive parents need to step back from reading any toxic messages and protect themselves. I remain passionately confident that ethical adoption is a wonderful way to build a family. I do not feel the need to defend or explain our adoptive family to the naysayers, but I have come to the realization that it is easier to cope with hateful speech when I am secure in the sanctity and beauty of the family we have created, and that every member of our family benefits from K’s adoption. This I know to be true.
4). You can love an adopted child as much as a biological child. As the mother of children both biological and adopted, I can attest to the strength of my attachment to each of my daughters. At various points, each girl commands more of my attention and energy, depending on what is going on in her life. Sometimes one daughter requires more time or nurturing than the others; sometimes one daughter requires more discipline and consequences than others. My three girls take turns being the squeaky wheel, and my focus on each girl waxes and wanes. What never wavers is my love. Whether flesh of my flesh or soul of my soul, I love each daughter as a whole.
http://www.adoption.net/adoptees/blog/what-i-know-about-motherhood-now-that-i-am-an-adoptive-mom?vnc=uDnevMN7A_mc85SM7POTMlHntMIcOYDQToPJObTjoKA&vnp=1
What I Know About Motherhood Now That I am an Adoptive Mom
Carrie's picture
By: Carrie Goldman
Jul 09, 2013 11:41 AM
Motherhood is an interesting job; I find that I grow up alongside each child. Now I am the mother of a newborn…now I am the mother of a five-year-old…now I am the mother of a tween…and so on. With each age and phase, the job of motherhood is redefined. The concerns that keep me awake at night, the milestones that loom in my mind – they change and grow and morph. And with each subsequent child, I find myself remembering, oh, so this is how it is to be the parent of a toddler. There are flashes of familiarity, and yet each time, it feels strange and new, because each child brings her own unique traits into the world. I view motherhood from three major viewpoints: I am the parent of an absent child (we lost a baby to a rare kidney disease), the parent of an adopted child, and the parent of two biological children. There is much to say about each role, but today I am writing specifically about what I have learned from being an adoptive mother. An intriguing question, because in many ways, I do not distinguish my daughter who was adopted, from my daughters who were born to me. And yet, in full honesty, there are many ways in which being an adoptive mother is indeed different. Here are my observations:
1). People spend an extraordinary amount of time discussing how children resemble their parents and their siblings. I became hyperaware of this after adopting a child who does not resemble me at all. I think it is a natural thing – the desire to see connections between family members. It certainly is true in the animal kingdom, where the ability to recognize the markings of one’s own pack provides safety, comfort and protection. I grew up all my life hearing, “You look just like a Goldman. Oh, there is no doubt that those are the Goldman girls!” When we adopted K, I thought she was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. Within several weeks, however, I noticed that nobody was content to simply say, “What a lovely baby!” The comments were always followed by a curious glancing over at me, and the question, “Where did she get her blue eyes?” or “Where did she get her blonde hair?” People couldn’t make sense of it—I did not appear to be the mother of this baby—and it didn’t jive with what society knows of family resemblance. But it was okay, because I felt like her mother, and that was what mattered. When K was nearly a year old, we took her for the first time to meet her biological brother and sister, who had recently come out of foster care to be reunited with their birthmother. K looked exactly like them. I snapped photo after photo, careful to save them in albums and frames, so that as K grew older, I could point to those pictures and tell her, “You have people that you resemble too! You have the same eyes as your sister and brother.” As K grew older, I noticed she has her birthmother’s lovely smile, and I tell her. She beams when I say that. I am so glad that I can help K feel connected to her biological family, because one of my biological daughters looks so much like me that it is eerie, and it is frequently noted by friends, family and strangers. I too am guilty of it – sometimes I see a photo of my middle daughter, and I exclaim how much it looks like my old photos. My two younger girls look strikingly similar, and I used to ask friends or family not to comment on it too much in front of K, until I realized that K herself was making comments about it and didn’t seem at all upset! She was okay with it, and my philosophy is to let her be the guide. Maybe she is okay with it because she knows who she looks like? An advantage to an open adoption.
2). An adoptee’s feelings about being adopted may fluctuate greatly, and it helps if the adoptive mother supports the adoptee through the full range of emotions. K goes through different phases. Sometimes, she is quick to volunteer the information that she was adopted. She feels special and unique, and she likes to surprise people with this interesting tidbit about herself. Other times, she loathes the very concept of being adopted and refuses to say one word about it. Immediately before or after one of our annual visits with her birth family, K is unusually anxious or sad, and at these times, she needs me to be very accepting of the roots of these emotions: her undeniable connection to another family. In the past, especially with closed adoptions, experts advised adoptive parents to deny the adoptee’s feelings of Otherness. Now we know that the best way to help a child who feels conflicted or torn is to recognize, acknowledge, and accept her emotions. I hope that K will suffer fewer torn loyalties because she is not burdened with trying to protect me from her feelings of love for her birthmother. I want to connect with K in all of her experiences, even the ones that are hard for me to witness. It isn’t always easy, but it is my firm belief that K will stay truly connected with me if she feels safe expressing her connection to her birthmother. Sometimes she goes weeks without mentioning her birthmother, and sometimes she asked about her every day for three or four days in a row. I try to follow her lead.
3). There are a lot of people who have very strong feelings about adoption, and as an adoptive mother, I have learned to believe in my decisions while remaining open to hearing other perspectives. Largely, as a result of the Internet and social media, I have learned that many people are strongly anti-adoption. This was shocking to me at first, but as I read more and learned more about why some people are anti-adoption, I grew to understand the causes of their emotions. I do not agree with the way in which many of these advocates express their views – there tends to be a great deal of undeserved hate, anger, and cyberbullying directed at adoptive parents, as opposed to productive discussions about ways to improve adoption – but I remain hopeful that there is room for collaboration, instead of contempt, in the future. The reality is that we do live in a digital world, and there is a high likelihood that adoptive parents will eventually encounter hateful speech from those who have unfortunately been hurt. Adoptive parents need to step back from reading any toxic messages and protect themselves. I remain passionately confident that ethical adoption is a wonderful way to build a family. I do not feel the need to defend or explain our adoptive family to the naysayers, but I have come to the realization that it is easier to cope with hateful speech when I am secure in the sanctity and beauty of the family we have created, and that every member of our family benefits from K’s adoption. This I know to be true.
4). You can love an adopted child as much as a biological child. As the mother of children both biological and adopted, I can attest to the strength of my attachment to each of my daughters. At various points, each girl commands more of my attention and energy, depending on what is going on in her life. Sometimes one daughter requires more time or nurturing than the others; sometimes one daughter requires more discipline and consequences than others. My three girls take turns being the squeaky wheel, and my focus on each girl waxes and wanes. What never wavers is my love. Whether flesh of my flesh or soul of my soul, I love each daughter as a whole.
http://www.adoption.net/adoptees/blog/what-i-know-about-motherhood-now-that-i-am-an-adoptive-mom?vnc=uDnevMN7A_mc85SM7POTMlHntMIcOYDQToPJObTjoKA&vnp=1
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Datum upisa : 14.11.2009
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